St. Louis Blues Bizarre Ride II: The Hip-Hop Hockey Eastern Conference

Hip-Hop Hockey strikes again, as promised here’s the Eastern Conference. If your expectations are fairly high after Part one, I apologize now.

Boston Bruins = MC Hammer

Too legit to quit? After hitting their high points both Hammer and the Bruins started throwing money at people close to them and dug themselves into a hole. Hammer has been paying for it financially ever since, the Bruins recently have been paying for it by way of losing major assets due to financial restraint after handing out giant contracts to players from their Cup win. Loyalty did not bode well for these two.

Buffalo Sabres = DMX

Eichs gonna give it to ya! How one would describe the Sabres back in their heyday is similar to how somebody would describe DMX’s voice (which is loud rabid dogs barking). Every time the Sabres were poised to emerge as Stanley Cup victors, some dumb mistake or rule always spoils it. Much like DMX’s career where seemingly every time he got on a roll, he had legal trouble of some sort always holding him back.

Feb 17, 2015; Raleigh, NC, USA; Carolina Hurricanes forward Jiri Tlusty (19) is congratulated by his teammates after his 3rd period goal against the New York Islanders at PNC Arena. The New York Islanders defeated the Carolina Hurricanes 4-1. Mandatory Credit: James Guillory-USA TODAY Sports

Carolina Hurricanes = Vanilla Ice

Real simple, one hit wonders that no one can explain and everyone forgets about until it’s time to make a joke.

Columbus Blue Jackets = Kendrick Lamar

Struggled for a while to find their true identities but now that they have fully formed, look to be a bone crushing powerhouse with a bright future fighting the good fight. And as the Jackets continue to make the Pens look bad at their own game, Kdot raises the bar and makes Kanye look irresponsible.

Detroit Red Wings = De La Soul

The Wings have always been good and apparently show no signs of stopping, De La has been putting out amazing and influential music for as long as the Wings’ playoff streak. Both have reinvented themselves on the fly multiple times without missing a beat, both set the standards for great hip-hop albums and stanley cup winning dynasties.

Florida Panthers = Nicki Minaj

Neither of these two are really ever that good, although every now and then produce something worth your time. Nicki is really only enjoyable as an accent piece on somebody else’s track (Kanye). The Panthers are only make the playoffs when they stockpile accent pieces from superior teams (Chicago). One thing is clear though, they will both literally do anything to fill the seats in the arena.

Montreal Canadiens = Jay-Z

WARNING: This will not be a popular opinion.

Every fan of both of them thinks they are the greatest but those years were long ago. They may have had the most wins last year, and all-time cups, but what have you done for me lately? The same could be said about Jay-Z’s discography, both fan bases need to let go of the past and adapt to the modern landscape.

Jan 10, 2015; Montreal, Quebec, CAN; Montreal Canadiens center Tomas Plekanec (14) and Pittsburgh Penguins center Sidney Crosby (87) collide during the first period at Bell Centre. Mandatory Credit: Jean-Yves Ahern-USA TODAY Sports

New Jersey Devils = Snoop Dogg

For so long they just kept being relevant but recently have finally started showing their age and how disconnected from the community they have become. And there was that weird Snoop Lion period that nobody wants to talk about, like Devils fans when the name Ilya comes up.

New York Islanders = Memphis Bleek

Memphis tends to be forgotten as an influential NY rapper during the golden era of Roc-A-Fella Records as if Hova was the only name attached to the label. Most casual hockey fans don’t even know there is a second NY team, the Isles are the under appreciated product of the same state. Although, the move to Brooklyn will surely put the Islanders on the radars for both hipsters and Jay-Z enthusiasts.

New York Rangers = Nas

Both NYR and Nas burned brightest in the 90s. As Nas is rarely given the G.O.A.T. status in discussion, no matter how favored the Rangers are there is always someone else to keep the “king” from getting his hardware. The image of Mark Messier holding the cup and the cover to Illmatic will forever help identify as staples in the history of the great American city.

Ottawa Senators = Naughty By Nature

OPP was a song about other people’s genitals, but it was so catchy and had a large pop appeal that people didn’t ask questions and bought in as NBN sat back and counted their money. Ottawa was in the middle of another disappointing season juggling too many goalies. The Sens lucked out with the birth of The Hamburglar distraction, fans bought in without asking too many questions as the organization sat back and counted their money as fans threw burgers at each other.

Philadelphia Flyers = Meek Mill

Well this one was too easy, you guessed it reddit.

Other than being from Philadelphia, Meek Mill and the Flyers have one huge thing in common…no defense. They can push and push and push the opposition to the point of feud but when all eyes are on them and they’re expected to perform, they fall short. If only the Flyers could play Pittsburgh every game, and if only Meek could have only feuded with Cassidy, maybe they could be taken seriously.

Pittsburgh Penguins = Kanye West

One word comes to mind when thinking about Yeezy and the Pens, ego. Pittsburgh’s three headed monster and Yeezus himself are arguably two of the most popular names in their respective realms of entertainment. No matter how much is accomplished or given to both of them, they and their fan bases always expect more, there’s a severe sense of entitlement. Every time they think they’re the best and destined for triumph, someone comes in and exploits their weaknesses, sending them back to the drawing board. (See Columbus Blue Jackets = Kendrick Lamar)

Tampa Bay Lightning = The Roots

Simply the most dynamic ensemble of veterans and young guns. As The Roots being on Fallon gives them more primetime television exposure, there will be plenty more Bolts on NBC as well as they are likely to have another deep playoff run this season. Hopefully if Black Thought ever decides to bail on the group, he’ll be more up front than Stamkos.

Toronto Maple Leafs = Lil’ Wayne

God awful, desperate, no matter what you throw at these two the tire fire never stops burning. It doesn’t stop there, both the Leafs and Weezy are both made even worse by the extensive and damaging media coverage that plagues them every year. The Leafs tend to look good early on in the season only to implode terribly by Christmas, just like Wayne’s decent mix tapes that never translate into a decent album.

Washington Capitals = Jay Electronica

The promising Jay Electronica keeps talking up this album that he has yet to deliver, despite interest among the community. The Washington Capitals are picked as a cup favorite seemingly every other year since Ovechkin’s third season, but haven’t even come close to delivering. An impressively creative talent from the start, but will it ever translate into the final product fans have all been waiting for?

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